Possibilities
by Renconteur
Summary: A first! Ren and Milk unite for a two shot! Just read it, why do you really need a summary? Okay, fine: Possibilities - plural of pos·si·bil·i·ty Noun - 1 A thing that may happen or be the case. 2 The state or fact of being likely or possible; likelihood. *Updated Summary to give clarity* The Rating is 'T' for language.
1. Chapter 1

Talking about herself is not her strong point. Unless you have a PhD, MD, ESQ or something in your professional oath that includes confidentiality clause, and everything discussed is privileged - she's not saying a peep.

She has to get through her fears - mostly the fears of her past.

She's haunted by the 'what ifs','could have beens', 'should have beens', and so she's here. There is someone new that is around the woman she loves, and she feels like she can swoop in and take what should be rightfully hers.

She stayed away from her brunette detective - scared of the possibility of repercussions. Sure, it's a copout, some would say it was even cliché: the fears of retribution in their lives and careers. Alex didn't want to jeopardize anything in Olivia's life.

So here she is. Sitting in a stale office that is supposed to be soothing, its tones solely grays and neutrals, but it does nothing to calm her racing heart or her frazzled nerves. Nothing had helped calm her nerves for months now.

"I'm not sure how to start this," she said awkwardly, her voice thin.

She'd battled in her mind about whether to see a therapist. Her chewed nails and thin body proved that she had struggled for weeks with whether to seek help. She had put it off, using her nightly glass of wine as a tonic for her depression, but she only slid further. It wasn't until Liz stopped her in the hallway and offered her the old job back that she finally felt that she had her old life within her grasp. And she reached for it.

"Just go with what comes to your mind first. That's what therapy is about," the raven haired doctor replied. She had dyed her hair since the last time Alex had seen her, before she left. When she had looked up Rachel Shapiro, she hadn't expected to see her with her own private practice. So many people had changed since she left.

And now here she was as Rachel's patient, not her friend. And she sat across from her fidgeting.

Fidgeting. That's something she never used to do - till about a month ago.

The blonde rested her elbow on the arm of the couch, and gazed out the window. Manhattan windows always offered a distraction of some sort. She had missed that while she was gone.

"What is it, Alex? You requested this appointment for a reason. You didn't ask me to lunch or for a coffee."

Alex shook her head, reluctantly returning her eyes back to the doctor across from her. "I just don't know what to say."

The doctor cocked her head to the side and smiled. "Its okay to be confused. You've been through a lot."

Alex looked at her shrink, wondering how the hell she was going to talk to her about her most secret thoughts. They belonged to her. Her personal sayings, the things she had muttered again and again while falling asleep each night, lulled into unconscious by the sound of utter silence.

"I'm not confused." Sometimes her old confidence came back to her quickly, and she could hear remnants of herself in her tone.

"Then what?"

Alex sighed. "I'm just …"

"Just what?"

"I'm wondering if they've moved on."

"If who has moved on?"

"Olivia."

"Olivia? Who is Olivia, Alex?"

Alex smiled. That was an easy question, one she had answered months ago. "She's my everything. The woman I'm in love with."

There - she said it. Out loud and to another living, breathing human.

Rachel wasn't surprised by her forthrightness, or at least she didn't show it, which is more than likely why she had finally earned her own practice. She was always the consummate professional. "Why did you come here, Alex? You've never liked shrinks before. Do you need a friend or do you need a professional? You know I can be either one."

"I need the version of you that took an oath of confidentialy," Alex said with a slight grin.

"I suppose," the doctor smiled. "So, I ask again why did you come here? Why not go to a relationship expert?"

Alex gave her an incredulous look. "Are you seriously going to turn me away? Besides, I would hardly call it a relationship if the other person has no idea how I feel."

Rachel laughed, but not unkindly. "No. Have you two been together before?"

Alex shook her head., "No. But…she's the only one I want to be with for the rest of my life. I've never felt this way about anyone before."

"What turned you on to Olivia? What is it about her that makes the always so composed Alex Cabot speechless?"

This lulled Alex into silence. What was love if you could actually articulate it? Wasn't it just a feeling? "I don't know," she said. "I pride myself on being able to describe things or to summarize complicated cases for juries. But I can't boil down my feelings for Olivia into something that makes sense. All I know is that when I'm around her, my chest swells and I just feel... full. And alive." She sighed, her head towards her hands. "There was a brief time when I think she knew how she made me feel. I've thought about telling her for months now."

"What's stopping you now?"

Alex began to pick at her nails. A nasty habit she used to abhor, but found it oddly calming. Her nails used to be the picture of perfection, but now they were a shattered mess. Imagery, she supposed.

Witsec was a whole new ballgame of stress. Motions, subpoenas, defense attorneys, rapist, murderers, sparring with her detectives - she could handle that. Witsec was the unknown.

Alex had stayed up entire nights after she left New York. It started with the incessant pain of her shoulder. She refused to take any kind of medication. She was being hunted by a monster and she wasn't about to be drugged out of her mind. She had protection from the US Marshals, but they weren't her detectives.

When Alex began to think about 'her detectives', she remembered their expressions when she left.

Hurt.

Pain.

Anguish.

Anguish , was the look she saw in Olivia. The look of pure unadulterated pain of losing her to a program that would save her life, but how did it leave Olivia? Did she ever feel as alone as Alex did? Or did she simply feel abandoned? It was that lonely guilt that kept her up at night long after her shoulder had healed.

The little things in life. How did she overlook them? Everyday she pushed Olivia's face from her mind. She pushed away the smile that rarely showed itself and immersed herself in daily life in Washington. There wasn't much room for major distractions, so she quickly found the beauty in simple things. But every night, she would only think of Olivia.

Her smile. That beautiful, shy grin that made her knees shake in her heels. The way the brunette walked with a sense of power and something to prove. She was in the 'good old boys' club and she couldn't seem too feminine. Its like she was trying to fit into a profession that was intent on grating her and roughening her smooth edges.

But as much as Olivia portrayed the 'butch' persona, there was always something so feminine and sexy behind her eyes.

Alex found it so difficult to come back. Even though she hated it in Washington.

She wasn't the same woman. How could she be?

She'd been with other people, although they mainly served as mere distractions or a way to remind herself that she could, indeed, be normal if she tried. She'd even orgasmed with one or two of those faceless women. She'd felt as though she couldn't face Olivia after that. Silly as it sounded, she felt as though she cheated on the woman she'd grown to care deeply about, despite their lack of physical intimacy.

Alex shook the memories from her mind, pulling herself back to Rachel's office. "I don't know if she would have me. She's changed."

She studied Alex. "How so?"

Alex chuckled. "She's different on the outside and inward. She's more beautiful than I have ever seen. Her eyes are tired, but still full of passion. I've never seen her eyes so full of passion. I've always admired her from afar; she had this butch type rugged look to her and it was so damn sexy." Now she felt as if she was slipping into friendly territory, but Rachel's kind eyes made her feel comfortable and open.

"How about now?"

Alex smiled at the good doctor, and spoke with a soft tone of pure respect and utter reverence. "She's softer. She doesn't have anything to prove to anyone. Her hair is long. I saw her the other day running errands and she was wearing a dress, hair flowing with her natural curls. Nothing like she used to be. Her voice is softer. And yet, she's still someone I want to be with for the rest of my life. Even after all those changes."

"What's holding you back? You described to me the physical and some emotional aspects of Olivia, but what about her is really holding you back?" Rachel leaned into her, clasping her hands in front of her.

"Rejection," Alex whispered.. "Just like I rejected her when I left. I know she felt like I abandoned her. I don't even know if she's interested. I know she's been with a woman before - we both have, but I want her for me."

"Alex, I don't know why we're sitting here. If you want to be with her, be Alexandra Cabot. Be bold. You'll never know unless you try. Let this be the first step in reclaiming your life."

"How?"

The doctor smiled. "Ahh, that's something only you know. Something tells me I'm not the one who holds the answers - you do."

There was a ding, alerting them time was up.

"Times up, but I'm still your friend, Alexandra," Rachel said reluctantly. "If I didn't have someone right behind you, I'd ask you to stay. But instead I'll just tell you this: call Olivia."

Alex smiled. "Thanks," she whispered, rising from her chair and smoothing her skirt. She glimpsed herself in the mirror of Rachel's lobby as she left. She looked the part. She looked like the girl that Olivia should remember. Now she just had to feel like it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Well, here it is: part two. I thought I would be a semi-cool person and post this. Thank Milk for that. I graduated today! I'm officially a cosmetology school graduate. i may have an interview tomorrow. I called the salon to confirm, because they didn't with me, for tomorrow - she forgot. WHAT? So, now I'm waiting on her call to get back to me and we'll go from there. My paperwork for state boards were sent off yesterday, so I am THAT much closer to my goal. Boo-yah. **

**Enough about things that aren't really that important to this story. Thanks again to the badass Milk for writing this with me, again - she wrote the good parts. I told her to post it to her name because she gets more readers, but she insisted I post here. Enough with the babble... READ! **

* * *

Part Two

She sat in her home office with her coffee after another sleepless night. Taking a sip, she stared at her phone that had long since darkened after she pulled up Olivia's number on her cell. She felt silly.

Pick up the phone, Alexandra.

What's the worst she could say? No?

Shit. She could say no.

It's just lunch. That's what she had decided. A simple, casual lunch to test the waters, and to see if there would ever be another shot with Olivia Benson.

Alex continued to watch her phone, draining the last of her coffee.

"Suck it up, Cabot," she told herself. "You've faced much worse than this." She had, of course, but that had been before all her walls had been knocked down, forcing her to build them back up stronger than ever.

She picked up her phone, pressed in her security code and unlocked her device. She pressed Olivia's number, the bright green call button almost teasing her until she jabbed her finger into it, sound of the ringer making her breath catch.

"Benson," she heard. That beautiful silky voice she heard in her dreams. At least, when she was finally able to sleep.

"Hi," she said nervously

"Alex?" Olivia asked, the question in her voice palpable even through the phone.

"Hi," Alex said again, but with more firmness as her breath finally caught up to her brain. "How are you?"

"Fine. Just relaxing on my day off. Did you need me for something? Is there any way you can call someone else? I really need this weekend. Its been a month and I need it." She gave a small chuckle, always polite, even when making a request.

Alex echoed her laugh. It felt good..

"No, detective, I don't need you for anything work related." Alex thought carefully before she chose her next words. "I was wondering if you'd like to get together for lunch later."

"Alex that sounds terrific, but I'm actually on my way back from the hardware store. I've got a busted sink to fix today. On my day off, of course."

Before she could think, Alex took the chance, "How about I grab some lunch from Spice and come over and help one of New York's finest?"

There was a pause, and for a moment Alex believed she'd actually blown it. As if the offer to help a former friend could actually blow something. Instead, Olivia chuckled. "You're going to help me fix my sink?"

Alex felt a glimmer of her former self, and quickly quipped, "No, I'm going to bring you lunch, and watch you fix your sink."

Olivia laughed, and Alex's breath caught. Such a simple sound to some, made her feel so light and wonderful.

"If that sounds appealing to you..." Olivia said, uncertainty causing her voice to trail off.

Alex spoke quickly. "I just thought maybe we could spend some time together, you know, catch up."

Again, there was a pause, filled with uncertainty, and Alex could almost imagine the way the brunette would run her tongue over her teeth as she thought.

"Okay, I'll bite," Olivia finally said, and Alex let out a breath she hadn't realized had caught in her throat "Just don't judge me on my plumbing skills. Or my foul language."

"Deal. I'll get dressed and be right over. What would you like?" Alex asked. Why couldn't she remember Olivia's Thai food of choice? Had it been that long since they'd spent overnights at the precinct, the two of them sharing takeout together? It had.

"Vegetable pad Thai," Olivia said.

"Got it. Give me an hour at most and I'll be there," Alex said, her voice slipping into excitement..

"See you then," Olivia said and hung up the phone, leaving her name blinking off Alex's screen

"Shit," Alex exclaimed at a crosswalk near Olivia's building. It had rained for four solid days, and although there wasn't a cloud in sight today, there were plenty of puddles around to remind her. She stared down at her shoe, which had just submerged itself in one of those reminders.

The white walk sign flashed in front of her, and she stepped off the sidewalk, just as a a taxi sped in front of her and covered her entire left side in black NYC rain water. She should have been grateful that water was her only problem, and not a severed leg, but she raised an angry fist at him.

Her outfit had been just right: tight jeans, fitted t-shirt and her favorite wedged sandals she'd been waiting to wear. Perfection replaced by black rainwater. Shit. At least she managed to save the lunch she had picked up. Priorities, and all.

She flipped the taxi driver and yelled a few epithets, hoping to dry out as much as possible over the next block. She was still sopping when she and pressed Olivia's apartment number.

"Alex," the blonde heard Olivia call out from the small black speaker box.

"It's me," she returned, exasperated.

As she heard the buzzer, she made her way to the elevator, the scowl on her face causing a few tenants to tread carefully by her. She knocked on the door labeled '4D', and was greeted by a radiant smile that quickly turned into a frown.

"What happened to you?" Olivia asked as she let Alex into her apartment. She relieved the blonde of the wonderful smelling lunch bag, and turned back to her friend.

"I was crossing the street and this asshole cabbie turned in front of me and, well, you see what happened," Alex motioned to her disheveled appearance.

Olivia studied her wet clothes, but smiled warmly up at her. "Well, I can't let you stay like that. Come on, lets get you out of those and into some dry ones. I was about to start a load of laundry anyway," Olivia graciously said.

Olivia's offer had been born of nothing but mere politeness, but the proposition nevertheless sent a chill up Alex's spine, coupled by a swell of heat at her core. She nodded, unable to form a verbal response, and followed Olivia down the short back hallway to her bedroom. The place hadn't changed much since the last time she'd been there, years ago, and it gave her an odd comfort, setting her scattered, nervous mind at ease.

"Here," Olivia said, holding out a pair of jeans and an old NYPD t-shirt. "I know I'm a little bigger than you are, but these jeans are from my smaller years. I don't chase as many perps as I used to, I guess."

At Olivia's smirk, Alex replied automatically,. "You look amazing, Liv."

"Why thank you, Ms. Cabot," Olivia said as she pointed back down the hallway. "Bathroom is through there. Use anything you need, towels are under the sink."

Alex watched as Olivia made her way back to the living room with that same, confident saunter that she had always had, and crept inside the bathroom, shutting the door. She did dry off, and she did change, but she took several moments to examine the trappings of the detective's belongings. Feminine shampoos, soft body sprays, all reminders of the smells that she had come to associate with her detective.

She slipped quickly into the clothes, not wanting to spend to delay their lunch too much longer, and padded back to the kitchen.

"Thanks for the clothes," she said.

"You're welcome. They look good on you," Olivia smiled, having already set out their lunch onto the bar. "You hungry? Figured we should fuel up before I begin the repairs on the sink."

"I didn't know you had plumbing skills, Detective," Alex said, settling onto a bar stool and picking up her fork.

"I don't," the brunette smiled, "but the internet does. So, while I'm trying to do this damn thing, you can read it to me - deal?"

Alex smiled. "Absolutely." Something about this casual lunch, the mundanely of the task ahead of them, made her want Olivia in her life more than ever.

Less than an hour later, however, Alex was officially over the mundanity of home repairs, and she was on the verge of calling a plumber, even if Olivia wouldn't. She sighed as she was met with Olivia's irritated voice from underneath the sink.

"Shit, Alex, read it again. I can't fit that joint there."

"Olivia, I told you it was too small," Alex said in an equal tone of annoyance, crumpling the printed directions in her hand. They had quickly become useless, and she had utilized the live-action internet, patrolling message boards for some semblance of clarity on their project.

"No, its not. It just doesn't go there. I followed exactly what it said, you're just not reading it to me correctly. Those were the parts it said I needed."

Alex rolled her eyes. "You are so insufferable, Olivia! The damn joint will fit if you actually got the one that, the instructions 'you read so carefully' stated for you to get." Her voice rose, but she was at her breaking point.

"Well, if you think you can do it, all knowing - you do it!"

"I would do it, but you won't let anyone near the goddamn sink." Alex knew Olivia was annoyed, both at the stubborn joint and at her. They fought. That's what they always did. But underneath all that frustration, they have complete admiration and utter respect for each other. At least, she hoped.

"No," Olivia said, popping her head out from underneath the sink, her cheeks flushed with frustration. "I'm more than happy to let you give it a try. I'm sure in your tenure as ADA you've repaired many a sink."

"Fine," Alex said sarcastically. "Give me the wrench."

Olivia handed the wrench to Alex, a little too roughly, and moved "Maybe you should have stayed in your wet clothes," she said. "This could possibly go very wrong, you know, if you don't know what you're doing - "

Alex heard a small, satisfying clink as the joint slipped easily into place for her, and she smiled smugly up at Olivia as the detective's diatribe was cut off. Granted, she had absolutely no clue how she had managed to get the joint in so easily, but at that moment, she was content to enjoy her success. It was eerily reminiscent of the feeling she got when she won a case. A rare, but wonderful feeling.

Olivia's mouth dropped slightly, and Alex chuckled, dropping the wrench and brushing her hands against each other with a content sigh. "Okay, I had to have done something to make that easier," the detective said, but her mouth quickly morphed into a smile, a laugh coming from deep inside her.

"What's so funny?," Alex asked, getting back to her feet. "You think my plumbing skills are a fluke?"

"Yes," Olivia replied, continuing to chuckle, and Alex couldn't help but mirror her laugh.

"We're a pair," Olivia said. "Argue until something good comes out of it."

The words struck a chord in Alex, as if a match had been lit against her spine. "Wouldn't this have been easier for the Super?" she asked.

Olivia shook her head. "No. That guy is never around because he's always at the bar."

"We should arrest him. I'll get the warrant," Alex smirked.

"Done," Olivia smiled, but tapped her fingers nervously against the bar. "I'm sorry I got frustrated."

Alex shrugged as she began to help clean up the mess of tools that littered the kitchen floor. "Its okay. We're a couple of strong women, we just can't help ourselves."

Olivia nodded in agreement, brushing the small of Alex's back as she dropped a wrench back in the small toolbox on the counter. Alex blushed at the touch, however innocent, and subconsciously straightened. She knew that touch may not mean as much to Olivia as it did to her.

"Thank you," Olivia said sweetly.

"You're welcome," Alex said, still feeling the tingle of Olivia's hand on her back. Her smile faded, prompting the detective to study her with a curious eye.

"Alex, why did you come here?"

The question caught her off guard, even though she had thought about this visit for months. She tossed an accusatory glance at Olivia, but quickly softened her expression. "I wanted to catch up," she said, but the words fell flat on her lips. This wasn't a casual visit, and the concern that flashed through Olivia's eyes let her know that the detective wasn't buying her excuse, either.

Olivia moved toward the refrigerator, and popped open two beers, handing one over to Alex. "I'd offer wine," she said with a shrug of her shoulders, "but that doesn't seem to mesh with home repair activities."

Alex chuckled, the joke allowing her to smooth over her initial awkwardness, and she watched as Olivia took a seat at the bar, glancing at her over the counter.

"Alex," she said. "I'm not sure I'm the most pleasant person to catch up with at the moment."

The words pulled a laugh from someplace deep inside Alex. If anyone was unpleasant, it was her, the assistant district attorney who had holed up in a depressive state for months now, only finally bearing herself socially after a prolonged state of hibernation. The irony, however, was lost on Olivia, and she appeared hurt for a moment. "I'm sorry," Alex qualified. "I just don't ever see you as unpleasant," she said. "Even when you're yelling about plumbing."

She managed to get a grin out of Olivia, and leaned over the counter towards her, taking a sip of her beer. "How have you been doing?" she asked. "With everything that's been going on?" Olivia gave her a guarded glance, one that Alex remembered from before WITSEC. Olivia had always sheltered her feelings, and it took a great amount of trust for her to share them. Alex wanted that trust back, but in order to get it, she knew she had to bare some of her own vulnerability. "I think about you all the time," she said. "I wonder how you are... I miss you."

Olivia set her beer on the counter, leaning back in her chair, as if Alex's words had knocked her backward. "You have an awfully funny way of showing that," she said. "You've been MIA for months."

Rather than set her own beer down, which is what would have been wise, Alex instead tipped it back, taking a long, hearty gulp. She wouldn't get Olivia to open up to her by being coy. And if she was going to jump off the ledge, she might as well swan dive off it. "Years ago, when we first met, I felt an instant connection with you. Nothing more than a level of professional respect, but as I got to know you more, my feelings changed from professional… to personal." She took a deep, shaky breath. "Then Velez came along, right as I was getting up my nerve to ask you out formally." Offering a weak smile, she continued, surprised that Olivia hadn't yet cut her off. "You offered your apartment to me so you could protect me. You were there talking to me as I laid on the street. You were so

hurt…" she paused as she felt emotion rise in her chest. "I never realize the possibility of a chance to be with you would ever come around again. You've changed so much, Olivia, but I am still in love with you. But after all that... I'm not sure how I fit into your new life," she said quietly.

"My new life?" Olivia repeated, confused. She glanced around her apartment. "If you can't tell, not much has changed."

"Yes it has," Alex stated. "You have a new partner... in more ways than one..." she let her eyes glaze upward to Olivia.

"David?" Olivia asked, her eyes widening. "What difference does that make, Alex?"

"It makes a big difference," she replied. "A big difference when..." Why couldn't she just summon the words? Wasn't she used to being direct? "When... when I want to be in your life like that."

She expected surprise, or outrage, or complete disbelief to manifest in Olivia's eyes, but what she got was a sudden, devastating flicker of resignation. "Alex," the detective said slowly, "you left."

The two words were like a punch to her gut, as if confirming that the guilt she'd felt all these years was rightfully placed. Her eyes suddenly moistened, and she straightened, moving away from the counter. Her mistakes had been stacking up since WITSEC, and she wasn't able to knock them down anymore. She needed to get out of that apartment. "I should go," she said, moving towards the bathroom. Is that where she'd left her clothes?

Olivia was off the stool in a second, quickly grabbing her wrist. "No," she said firmly, stopping her. "You're not leaving again." The brown eyes fixed Alex into place, as if she were a butterfly on a pin. Her eyes quickly softened, but she didn't let go of Alex's hand. "What can I do to make sure that you won't leave again? What do you need me to tell you that I haven't told you?"

If she had planned on swan diving off her ledge, she was now gripping the sides of it with bloody, raw hands. Alex took a step forward, studying the woman in front of her. Sure, she had changed, was even more beautiful, her edges now soft and worn down by time, but the eyes were the same dark, comforting pool, and she was lost in them. "Tell me you love me," she said softly.

"What?"

Alex lifted her hand to Olivia's face and ran her thumb gently over her cheek. "Tell me you love me."

"Alex…" Olivia whispered as her eyes closed.

"Do you love me?"

The brunette let out a breath and nodded, "Yes. I love you."

"Kiss me," Alex softly commanded.

**Review please... Milk loves it. ;)**


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